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Warning! This page contains "HARSH" language and "SEXUAL" content. If you are not capable of controling yourself, please exit this page immediately! For those who are controlable please feel free to scroll down.

Bill    Clinton    and    Monica    Lewinsky    Jokes!

11/17/98

--While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know.

What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.

So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.

Bill takes the capsules for a week, and dang, the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"

The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

11/16/98

--Paula Jones had to settle for 850,000 dollars and no official "I'm sorry."  Monica Lewinsky had to settle for 850,000 sperm and no official "Thank you."

--Bill Clinton: The best thing that ever happened to me was Monica.
Al Gore: Why?
Bill Clinton: Because I came, she did (me) and I saw

11/12/98

--What do you call eight blowjobs in December? Hanukkah Lewinsky

--What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Queen of England? You only have to get down on ONE knee when you visit the queen.

--BACON, LETTUCE, TOMATO, AND CHEESE! IF YOU WANNA BE LIKE LEWINSKY GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!

11/6/98

--"My God, he's done it again!" screamed Kenneth Starr as he jumped up from watching the election returns and frantically grabbed a legal pad and a pencil. "He's a sex maniac, I tell you!  He just screwed five Republicans!!!"

--If Monica were a construction worker,  what tools would she use? Knee pads and a bib.

--Monica walks into a barand notices that there is no juke box, pool tables or vending machines. As she sits at the bar and orders a drink she says to the bartender "what you got for action around here? The bartender points a gorilla sitting quietly in the corner. The bartender then pulls a baseball bat out from underneath the bar, walks over to the gorilla and hits the beast squarely in the head. The gorilla goes ballistic, jumping around the room screeching and wildly flailing his arms then runs behind the bar, drops to it's knees and gives the barkeep a blowjob. After the bartender cleans up with a bar towel he hands the ballbat across the bar to Monica and says "would you like to try it? and Monica replies "Sure, just don't hit me so hard!    

--An out of town salesman walks into an older saloon in  D.C. As he chosses a place to sit he couldn't notice that all the bar stools have numbers on the back. After he orders a scotch he notices a woman sitting farther down that oddly looks like the first lady. He says"Excuse me but why do all theses chairs have numbers on them? And she replied"You must not be a local. Every Friday and Saturday night at 7:00 9:00 and 11:00 P.M.they draw a number out of a hat and if you are sitting in the numbered chair, you go to the back room and get laid." The salesman said "you must be shitting me, no ones going to believe that! To which the woman replied" I know it's legit, why Bill won twice last Saturday".

10/30/98

--Did you hear that Monica has moved to New York, and opened a business in order to put the past behind her?  It is called "Monica's Dry Cleaning."  Her motto is "Drop your pants and jack-et off here."

--One day at the White House, Bill came down for breakfast, with a pair of Black, silk panties tied around his upper arm.Hillary saw this, she let out a moan, and said, "Oh,Bill, not again" And Bill said "No,no, this is my patch, I'm trying to quit."

10/25/98

--It's a deal only Bill Clinton could have pulled off: Arafat gets his land and Netanyahu gets his security guarantees.  And Jonathan Pollard?  Well, he still has to stay in the pokey... but now he'll get a weekly visit from Monica.

--Here is a song about Clinton to be sung to the tune of the old Oscar Mayer song:

His bologna has a first name
It's "I did not inhale"

His bologna has a second name
"I wasn't telling tales"

He loves to sling it everday, the White House people all just say
That Billy Clinton has a way of making bullshit sound OK

--Just in From Mexico:

Monica has been sent to a hospital to be treated of hepatic cirrhosis. Do you know why Monica is sick from hepatic cirrhosis? Because she needs to get a President daily. (In Mexico there is a brandy called "President")

10/24/98

--Hillary was having a heart-to-heart talk with Chelsea: "Tell me, Chelsea, you've been away at college for a couple of years now.  Have you had sex yet?" "No, Mom, not according to Daddy."

10/17/98

--One morning, Monica Lewinsky walked into the Oval Office. The President looked up and said, "You know what? I've liked that dress since I first spotted it!"

10/16/98

--Back in the early days of Communism, you would never hear of any scandals with their leadership as there is now in our country... the Russians would never air their dirty Lenin in public.

--What's the difference between the O.J. Simpson case and Monicagate? One involved Brentwood, the other involves bent wood.

--What two instruments does Bill Clinton play? Sexonaphone & whoremonica.

10/12/98

--If Clinton made tapes like Nixon...  

Bill Clinton: ...if I were, well, no longer in the picture.
Al Gore: Bill, it sounds awful to mention such a thing.
BC: That may be, but I have to know that these sensitive matters would be in good hands, Al. 
AG: I understand.
BC: Good.  Now, let's just recap a couple of points. Remember that those two there could be the source of a leak.  I always keep my eye on 'em.
AG: But doesn't the barrier strategy we talked about earlier prevent that?
BC: Yeah, let's hope so.  At least you have a few months advance warning if something goes wrong. But after that, it's your baby, and these things get too big to cover up.
AG: Here at this little ridge just above the inlet  - that functions as a kind of nerve center, right?
BC: Exactly.  That's their sensitive spot, but it's surrounded by a bushy knoll.  If there's something happening it can be hard to put your finger on it.
AG: Right.  So, does that cover everything?
BC: Yeah.  Just don't forget:  this perimeter has to be secure at all times.  Else you're in big trouble.
AG: Got it.
BC: Good.  Let's call it a day.
AG: Right.  Catch you tomorrow.  Night, Monica.

10/11/98

--What's the best thing Monica got out of Bill's Penis?   The Wrinkles.

--What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky and Timothy McVey?  A bomb ass blow job! 

--Two Sperm are swimming inside Monica, one looks at the other and says "Are we getting close to the ovaries? to which the other replied "relax, we just passed the tonsils!"

--Seen from Bill Clinton's point of view, which one of these doesn't belong:  (A)texturized vegetable protein  (B)chicory  (C)Hamburger Helper  (D)Monica Lewinsky?  Answer: B. Chicory is a coffee extender.

--What is the difference between Watergate & Clintongate? During Watergate, only Woodward & Bernstein knew who Deep-throat was!

10/9/98

--What's the difference between Bill and Monica? One doesn't come clean, the other doesn't clean come.

10/8/98

--Details of the secret defense strategy developed for Bill Clinton have been leaked to the press. Clinton's lawyers will maintain that his intimate involvement with Monica Lewinsky didn't constitute "real" sex. They intend to introduce testimony by experts in human sexuality who will confirm that some rural Arkansans recognize a special category of near-sexual activity more intimate than foreplay but less intimate than "real" sex (intercourse). The expression for this among the razorback crowd is "five play".

--Epidemiologists at the Centers for Disease Control have announced the start of a study into the causes of a recently-catalogued illness that can disrupt the sex lives of partners of disease carriers. The disease is called multiple-origin nymphomaniacal idiopathic compulsive-aggressive syndrome (MONICA syndrome).

--What do Bill Clinton's Dick and a Chevy truck have in common? They're both like a rock!

10/7/98

--First we had Whitewatergate, then Travelgate, then Filegate. Now we have Masturgate.

--It's odd that Bill gave Monica Whitman's "Leaves of Grass." You would've thought he'd had given her Melville's "Moby-Dick."

--Special prosecutor: Mr Clinton "Please tell the grand jury what you were doing with the cigar." Clinton, " Demonstrating." SP "Demonstrating?" Clinton, "Yes, demonstrating." sp "What were you demonstrating" Clinton " Our policy to Cuba!"

10/5/98

--What do you get when you cross Ted Kasczynski and Monica Lewinski? The Uni-Bobber.

--In response to the many inquiries from her devotees, Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") has decreed that the preferred term whenever addressing or referring to first lady Hillary Clinton, is "madam". Citing Teapot Dome, Watergate, Iran-Contra and Zippergate, she said, "It's become clear to me that the President's wife essentially is responsible for running a house of ill repute."

--Not a joke: "Hi, I was looking at your jokes yesterday and I came across the one where you go to Microsoft word and type in "I'd like Bill Clinton to resign" When I got the meaning of it, I laughed and then continued to experiment with more words. To my amazement, there are alot of Clinton/Lewinsky related words. Try these: White House Intern, Lewinsky, Hillary, Monica, Bill Clinton, Kenneth Starr, If you don't understand the first meaning of the word, click on "Look Up" and it will go further. Trust me on this, it is really hilarious. Thanks, Katie."

10/1/98

--A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, "Veni, vidi, vici." "I came, I saw, I conquered." His words echoed throughout two millenia. Until one day...

Monica Lewinsky gushed, "Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare." "He came, I slipped, it dribbled."
Linda Tripp hissed, "Verboso, memorex, serpentus." "She told, I taped, I blabbed."
Kenneth Starr cheered, "Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!" "It matched! It's HIS! I GOT him!"
And Bill Clinton sobbed, "Perjuratum, erratis, manuro". "I lied - I mean - I didn't."

The moral of the story? Decorum est, domus phalluso domini. "It is only fitting that the master be ruled by his master."

--How did Bill manage to create such a large gender gap in the '96 election? One woman at a time.

--What is Monica's favorite make of condom? Presidents Choice.

--What do Richard Nixon (who fired Special Prosecutor, Archibald Cox) and Monica have in common? They are both famous Cox sackers.

--What did Bill say to Al Gore when passing him in the hall? "Pardon Me!"

--CigarsR US is sellng it's latest product: Monica Select.

9/30/98

--There is a rumour circulating that Monica has been arrested. The charge? Receiving swollen goods.

9/28/98

--What does Hillary Clinton want to change her name to? Sharon Cox

--What prevents Monica Lewinsky from becoming a doctor? ...she sucked as an intern.

9/27/98

--The Spice Girls just haven't been the same since the sudden departure of "Ginger Spice" Geri Halliwell. But their agency has now announced that Monica Lewinsky is stepping in to take her place. She'll be known as "Sperm Whale Spice."

--I overheard that Saddam Hussein called Monica Lewinsky and said over the phone "You idiot, I told you to blow him away!"

--What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe? When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

9/26/98

--CBS is bringing back a comedy classic this season, but with a totally new cast and setting. Imagine the laughs when dozens of kids of all ages turn up at the door of the White House with their mothers, their lawyers and their DNA profiles and announce to the bewildered Clintons that they're All in the Family.

--How did Bill Clinton know that Monica had given him a good blow job? When he had to burp her to get his balls back!

--Did you hear Monica is changing parties? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

--Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make an entire village very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says,"I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

9/24/98

--Richard Nixon said, "I am not a crook." Bill Clinton said, "How do you define 'am'?"

--


If you got any jokes of any kind I can add to this page please e-mail me at the address below.


xxnitronxx@aol.com


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POOPIE LIST

THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.

THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.

THE WET POOPIE
You wipe you butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underware so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is to sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellow-ish brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl, and at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all it's own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE RITUAL
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
This poopie is so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by it's floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in some rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet bowl mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. It requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie: during a root canal) or you are nowhere near poopie-making facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position- usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered- bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poopie.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't poopie.

PREMEDITATED POOPIE
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

POOPIEZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooping- can be fatal.

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.

THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)

THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE" POOPIE
Similiar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiniy splashing sounds as they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HECK DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as the Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people come near.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.


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